ok hestia you're gonna write til you stop pretending this isn't happening. til what comes out of your brain vaguely resembles whats happening inside it and begins to take on a life of its own.
here is what's happening.
I am eating oat cakes and shropshire blue with too much butter (everything has too much butter on it recently.) listening to regina spektor's 'us' for the third time in a row its the song for this attempt to escape the trough thats lasted for the last two months . it's contagious it's contagious it's contagio u u u uhU S. it makes me think about us as in all these people staring at blank walls and computer cursors, the one's i found for myself, the ones she told me about in my tutorial that can see invisible things there isn't any way of talking about but try anyway. who try. us as in community. as in people that take responsibility for themselves instead of contracting their lives out to some big corporate institution that will live it for them. groups of people thinking independently. like amy said, like a multiplicity instead of many people alone. like amy's film. i've got really bad at dot joinging recently, all the multiplicities in my work are unravelling into lonely little pieces. thoughts lost in the time passing wind blowing. i need to phone my mum. i need to email my sister. i owe becky a letter from the one she wrote me in february. i owe live journal posts, i owe myself the clothes i've been wearing since i got ill, kisses not given, plans not made, notes not organised, documentation to present, more phone calls, more emails. i did manage to hoover my floor.
i need to take up a lot more space. i got a table in the studio on monday and already somebody asked me if they could use a bit of the wall over it i nearly said ok but realised what was happening just in time to resist. i need to inhabit the physical as much as the...what is the opposite of physical when you believe thoughts to be real, material things? is that my problem? the virtual has always been actual to me but the point is to actualise it for other people so its actually there for them instead of expecting them to know the code my bit of timespaceconsciousness is written in. fuck that sounded pretentious. fuck. good word. very tangible. actually there. somewhere.
becky said to find a key, like a map of it. wait a minute didn't i already try and do that? why is it that in a fog you go round and round in circles. one goes round and round in circles. alone. not realising one is surrounded by many other ones. like amy said. maybe a key is different, a system for understanding, not a representative image (oh, cleverness). i think this spiderworking i've been doing has got keys in it. lots. i just gotta pick one. (again a strange feeling of deja vu. fuck.)
here is what's happening.
I am eating oat cakes and shropshire blue with too much butter (everything has too much butter on it recently.) listening to regina spektor's 'us' for the third time in a row its the song for this attempt to escape the trough thats lasted for the last two months . it's contagious it's contagious it's contagio u u u uhU S. it makes me think about us as in all these people staring at blank walls and computer cursors, the one's i found for myself, the ones she told me about in my tutorial that can see invisible things there isn't any way of talking about but try anyway. who try. us as in community. as in people that take responsibility for themselves instead of contracting their lives out to some big corporate institution that will live it for them. groups of people thinking independently. like amy said, like a multiplicity instead of many people alone. like amy's film. i've got really bad at dot joinging recently, all the multiplicities in my work are unravelling into lonely little pieces. thoughts lost in the time passing wind blowing. i need to phone my mum. i need to email my sister. i owe becky a letter from the one she wrote me in february. i owe live journal posts, i owe myself the clothes i've been wearing since i got ill, kisses not given, plans not made, notes not organised, documentation to present, more phone calls, more emails. i did manage to hoover my floor.
i need to take up a lot more space. i got a table in the studio on monday and already somebody asked me if they could use a bit of the wall over it i nearly said ok but realised what was happening just in time to resist. i need to inhabit the physical as much as the...what is the opposite of physical when you believe thoughts to be real, material things? is that my problem? the virtual has always been actual to me but the point is to actualise it for other people so its actually there for them instead of expecting them to know the code my bit of timespaceconsciousness is written in. fuck that sounded pretentious. fuck. good word. very tangible. actually there. somewhere.
becky said to find a key, like a map of it. wait a minute didn't i already try and do that? why is it that in a fog you go round and round in circles. one goes round and round in circles. alone. not realising one is surrounded by many other ones. like amy said. maybe a key is different, a system for understanding, not a representative image (oh, cleverness). i think this spiderworking i've been doing has got keys in it. lots. i just gotta pick one. (again a strange feeling of deja vu. fuck.)
i liked acting in amy's film. lines were very blurry. everything was very actual. but tricksy and good difficult to explain. her and mike are my heroes.
i like dan's t-shirt.
i like dan's t-shirt.
"everything i touch turns to gold", she says, "then to silver, then to tears."
(someone somewhere should be called 'verde'.)
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